I've made it.
I'm here in this place called Deutschland. I can't say that it's been amazing so far because, I'll be super honest, it hasn't been. It's a serious adjustment and the few and far in between times that I get to myself I stop and think, why did I do this? Why did I decide to do this? I made a mistake. I should be home.
I can't say I'm adjusted at all and that I'm having a fantastic time here. I hope I will be able to say that later on though. And I hope there's a reason I'm here because right now, I don't see it.
People called me brave when I told them about my adventure. I'm not brave. The fact that I'm tearing up as I write this post, proves that I'm not. I'm really just scared. I'm scared to grow up, I'm scared to become attached to anybody again, I'm scared to finish school. I ran away. The hardest part is, no matter how badly I want to, I can't go back. And won't be able to for such a long time.
I thought nothing was keeping me at home and there was no reason I should stay but the week before I left, I was proved completely wrong. But by then it was too late.
I'm sorry for the depressive state I'm in. I hope I shake it off soon.
On the plus side, I do live in a pretty beautiful place. And the times when Zoe looks at me and tells me I'm pretty, makes me feel like I can do this.
1 comment:
beautiful syd! i wish i could give you the most gigantic hug right now. change is scary. i don't know if it ever gets easier. but you can do this. and when you come back we will eat more burritos and you will wow us all again with your adventures and pictures and cultured self. and in a year or two, it will all just feel like a dream. that's what's funny about time. text me whenever. i'm always good for a random photo or pointless rambling (as you already know)...
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